Not Metal

Why didn’t I think of this?

After watching this video I got a major craving to play old school Mario over and over with this playing in the background. This is just simply the best in Nintendocore. Ever.

Failure has a friend and they play sludge

The soundtrack to a miserable week

If you’ve ever woken up in the morning and taken a good look at yourself in the mirror and pondered, “Just what the fuck am I doing with my life?”, then maybe Harvey Milk can help you out. If you missed the boat on the excellently crafted soundtrack to Midwestern trailer park trash fail, “Life…The Best Game In Town”, then you should get your ass to your nearest brick and mortar record store establishment that sells metal and pick up a copy.

Other wise, get on the fun train and listen to one of the best songs in the history of sludge and all things horrible and doomy: “I Do Not Know How To Live My Life”.

Authors note: The first time I heard this song was at Dudefest ’09. I bought the vinyl at the concert and this was the first song I played off the record. Little did I know that the LP is a 45…and I was listening to this song at 1/2 speed. It is Sooooooo fucked up and heavy at that speed. I still to this day, play it at 1/2 speed every now and then. Especially while really drunk….

I know all kinda leads whatchoo need?

I shot motherfuckah’s Joe. You ever shot motherfuckahs?

Looks like some Stanley Kubrick shit

“It’s like your eye is a cock, balls deep in a peyote button butthole.” – Jay Randall, Agoraphobic Nosebleed

I like grindcore. A lot. I also like it when grind bands express themselves in as many ways possible. If it means having a giant pot monster come onto the stage during your set, awesome. If it means creating a dvd-audio noise-ambient-doom record companion piece, awesome. If it means having beach balls, a mini basketball hoop, basketball, man-thongs, and full frontal nudity, awesome. If it means making a movie based on the concept record you made? Um…I guess?

Uhhhh...

First off, I didn’t really like Fuck The Facts‘ “Disgorge, Mexico”. I suppose I was still too busy digging the shit out of Pig Destroyers‘ “Phantom Limb”. And, I never would have even realized there was enough “concept” behind it to warrant a movie when I did take the time to listen to it. With that said I can’t exactly form an opinion here that a short film would be good or bad. Hell I haven’t even seen the movie! What’s the point of this post again?

Right…here’s the link to the website for the film. And if anyone happens to know the authentication credentials to actually watch the clips that I’m talking about I’d appreciate it if you would leave it in the comments.

Recently Leaked:

• Hypocrisy – A Taste of Extreme Divinity
• Black Cobra – Chronomega
• Pelican – What We All Come To Need

On first listen, the Black Cobra is going to punch your face off.

Whatever mom!

1. Emmure and wigger hardcore kids.
   1. The flat billed hats with the stickers still on them? Can somebody explain this too me?

2. Origin. Fat kid brutality.
3. Nile. Graduate School Brutality.
4. The Thrash Revival that doesn’t include Municipal Waste.
5. Job For A Cowboy. I have no idea why you are as popular as you are. I really can’t think of one good reason.
6. Vegan metal kids: there is nothing metal about being a vegan. At all.
7. Tapes. Why in gods name are some labels putting cassettes out now? This kind of hipster refusal to accept technology has to end, and this is , as far as I can, a good stopping point. At the rate we are going, in another ten years the new collectible will be acetate cylinders of the new Endless Blockage ep and only the people with nothing else better to do will be breaking into museums to get a machine to play it.
8. Black Anvil and any otherband coming out of Brooklyn right now. Its like Jersey; it might not be accurate all the time, but it is accurate enough to count.
9. Breakdown metal.
10. Necrophagist live. So boring I cried a little at what my life turns into from time to time.

Recently Leaked:

• Nile – Those Whom The Gods Detest
  
• Immortal – All Shall Fall
  
• Doomriders – Darkness Comes Alive (members of Converge, Cave In)
  
• Shrinebuilder (Wino and members of Neurosis, Om, Melvins)
  
• Hatebreed – who gives a shit
• Dying Fetus – Descend into Depravity
  
• Pan Sonic and Sunn O))) with Alan Vega and Steven Burroughs – Che 2009

Dazzling metal nomad makes mid-westerners proud

You can’t beat that photo.

Yes. That is a human fetus. No. He is not a biologist.

Notmetal.net‘s very own Terrie Hill has made history by becoming the first Notmetal contributor to make himself sound credible by being featured in Decibel magazines’ October ’09 “Reader Of The Month” column. When asked to comment on this astonishing turn of events for one of Notmetals’ own employees, the sites’ overall “worthiness” in things metal related, and life in general, Viking Beard had this to say:

“I always knew that kid would quit his job as an engineer and do something sleazy like write about metal!”

Amen. Raise a glass of cheap dirt beer for one of our own. If you don’t have a subscription, easy access to a newstand, or are just lazy, he’ll gladly send you one of his free 100 copies he now owns…

Also, here’s hoping we don’t get sued for publishing a page out of the magazine.

A Companion Piece to the Previous Article

In the previous post, my notmetal.net cohort Viking Beard mentioned that he is, “more inclined to like doom metal bands with singers who do super low guttural growls.”

I concur, and with that in mind, I want to introduce three of my favorite doom metal bands who employ this type of vocals.

Draconian: Despair Ridden, with a hot chick to boot

Draconian: These guys are doomy enough to make you want to slit your wrists and drown in the blood. Not only are they doom metal, but they are funeral doom (as are the other 2 bands mentioned in this post), which is obviously metal as fuck as implied by the referencing of death. Check out the wonderfully titled track “She Dies” from the album “The Burning Halo”.

Mourning Beloveth: Now these are some sorrowful and morose motherfuckers. Slow and doomy as a train headed for Auschwitz in the early 40s. Check out the song “Disintegrate” from the album “The Sullen Sulcus” for 10 minutes and 38 seconds of slow, doomy goodness.

Funeral: Could a band be more aptly titled? Their songs are like any good funeral procession: slow as molasses, has some bitch screaming and some guy growling. At least, that’s how I want my funeral to go.

All The Fun You Can Have Under One Roof

Top Ten Random Cool Things at Dudefest 2009

Ahhhhhhhh!!!!

1. $2 Beer
2. There were at most, 14 cops in the immediate vicinity of the Emerson Theatre. I didn’t see one arrest the whole weekend.
3. The weather was nice and the stench wasn’t nearly as bad as last year. Holy crap.
4. Girl telling John who Portraits of Past were “They are, like, really good screamo” and then John’s face. Fucking Priceless
5. Meeting other like minded metal fans. And then making fun of them later.

5-1/2. Did I mention $2 beer?

6. Cute grind girls who thankfully don’t smell now that they live in my spank bank
7. Torche still owns Friday night at dudefest
8. Grindcore fanny packs


Grindcore fannypack

9. Its cheap and I got to see my friends
10. $10 t-shirts with priceless slogans such as:

Fuck You
Dudefest 2009

Or

Sodomite (Front)
Meth and a Gay Prostitute (Back)

Top Ten Wishlist for Dudefest 2010

1. It happens. Indy doesn’t decide to ruin the one cool non-racing related thing in a very underwhelming city.
2. Torche on Friday night every year until somebody has a better set and thus defeating them from their ‘King Of Friday’ throne
3. Graf Orlock and Pig Destroyer. I just really like them.
4. Set up a place for people to camp. This would be pretty cool till it got shut down.


Too much cock at the cocktail party

5. Porto-potties, or clean the goddamn bathrooms after each day. Jesus couldn’t save those thing by the of day three
6. Day three ends by 7. I know this is super lame, but some of us have to work on Monday.
7. More bands that don’t really fit, but group them together. I dug Russian Circles last year and wish I’d seen Mouth of the Architect. Diversity is good.
8. More Cops. Keep those goddamn locals in their place.
9. World Cup will be going on next year, can we get a TV in the venue to watch?
10. Start Dudefest Denver. I’ll still go to both, but it’d be nice to have a fest this cool out west. There will be way more weed as well.