Not Metal

The latest and worst in mall rock

Now with more mullet and suck

A big thanks to metalsucks for posting up this garbage and then inspiring me to rant a bit about it. Shit like this really makes for good content on our site seeing as our domain name is the definition of anything as cookie cutter as this band is.

“I’m not real I was never born”
If you can make it to the chorus of the song you’ll get that tasty and inspirational lyric.
Waah mom, I’m so dead to the world. No one cares I’m alive. Blah blah blah.

Do me a favor, if you happen to come across anyone that ever says that Oceana is their favorite band, or that “Oceana rocks!” give them a good viking kick to their dome silo and cut their mullet off as a trophy. Take a high res photo of said mullet trophy and send it to: webmaster@notmetal.net.

And yes, how unfortunate they have a different vowel than the much hyped but much suck deathbreakdown band Oceano. Fuck…

Now clean your ears and eyes out with this.

1. Emmure and wigger hardcore kids.
   1. The flat billed hats with the stickers still on them? Can somebody explain this too me?

2. Origin. Fat kid brutality.
3. Nile. Graduate School Brutality.
4. The Thrash Revival that doesn’t include Municipal Waste.
5. Job For A Cowboy. I have no idea why you are as popular as you are. I really can’t think of one good reason.
6. Vegan metal kids: there is nothing metal about being a vegan. At all.
7. Tapes. Why in gods name are some labels putting cassettes out now? This kind of hipster refusal to accept technology has to end, and this is , as far as I can, a good stopping point. At the rate we are going, in another ten years the new collectible will be acetate cylinders of the new Endless Blockage ep and only the people with nothing else better to do will be breaking into museums to get a machine to play it.
8. Black Anvil and any otherband coming out of Brooklyn right now. Its like Jersey; it might not be accurate all the time, but it is accurate enough to count.
9. Breakdown metal.
10. Necrophagist live. So boring I cried a little at what my life turns into from time to time.

Deliciously bland.

Crunchtaculary marginal.

Stupid Internet hype! This happens from time to time and it never surprises when it does. The blog-o-sphere, this little skid mark of a site included, gets its panties real wet over a single put up on myspace by a band that that is defunct or soon to be from an album that is coming out in a couple of months. I have a theory that if people know that the upcoming album in question is the last of its kind they tend to think higher or get more excited about it. I guess everybody just wants to remember things in rose light rather than the harsh light of reality.

Heart of Darkness by Burnt by the Sun is a great example of this phenomenon in action. For at least three months leading up to this there were sporadic posts on various sites when new songs were put up. “This is a great definition of brutality” or, “this is the heaviest thing I’ve heard recently” were typical descriptors. I didn’t actually go over to said myspace and listen to these songs, but I was anticipating this album a great deal from the recommendations coming out. So on release day I head up to Colfax and one of the three record stores up there and pick up this little nugget of great album art, get home, put it on and turn it up as it was 2 PM and none of my neighbors were home.

Under whelmed is a one way to put how I felt. Another way to put it would be like going out with a super hot girl for like three months before she lets you see her naked. You have endured dating nightmares like craft fairs and farmers markets, helped her give her annoying dog a bath, and maybe sat through a episode or two of Lost. The only thing keeping you going is the fact that you are going to get in there and tear shit up like it’s the Graf Orlock pit. And then it turns out that she has been wearing body-enhancing clothing the whole time. Boobs and booty are not as cool as advertised. You are still getting laid, but it’s nowhere as cool as it was anticipated.

BbtS bring the atonal metalcore like it’s still the early 00’s. There are breakdowns, the guitar tone is perfectly Grey and boring, and the lead singer talks slowly in parts and enunciates every syllable like spazzes do when they are really angry. He also whispers in parts. Christ, remember when nu-metal bands did the same thing? It wasn’t brutal then and it is not brutal now.

With all hype aside this album is competent and totally generic. “A Party to the Unsound Mind” has a really good riff and “The Great American Dream” actually picks the pace up from the usual out-of-shape-white-dude metal pace. Two decent songs do not an album make unfortunately and I would have a hard time telling anybody that they needed to buy this. Or should buy it even.

I didn’t gain much from hearing this besides learning that I need to download more before buying.

How could it get any worse?

One man black metal projects are to kvlt as one man emo crunk projects are to piles of poop

One redeeming quality to this video is watching all the teenage ‘thrashers get mowed down by the larger long hair cretins midway through this train wreck of a live performance by the ridiculously monikered “Dropping A Popped Locket” – a one man shit show of emo, crunk, and taped guitar and drum.

The other redeeming quality is turning it off.

Pioneers in Crabcore

So it was a late Sunday night and I just finished off a bottle of Jose with a good friend. We were watching some old NIN videos and exploring the internets for other music videos from times once past. Amidst our joy of Reznors’ bygone years of video anguish, that’s when it happened; we stumbled across Attack Attack!’s “Stick Stickly” music video.

I know there is some bad music out there but this really takes the rude-boy-emo-lame-fuck-douche award of the year.

Where to start? How about at the beginning. Within 10 seconds of the start of the video you see these fucks bouncing around. I am going to venture out on a limb and say they are…headbanging while trying to shit? I dunno. This video has it all though. Dancing, techno beats, stupid hair cuts, synchronized hair throws, and what kind of stupid scenecore video would be complete without some meaningless hot chick.

The presence of auto tuned vocals also doesn’t help them either. Who’s bright idea was it that signed these guys? Please…shoot yourself in the face.

Also, just to clarify how exactly not metal these fucks are. See figures A, B, or C, on proper metal (power) stance. Note the abscense of any sort of “Crab” position in all three. These are the proper metal power stances defined by Thor and or Zeus themselves. The inventors of heavy fucking metal.

Do most white guys in L.A. look like this?

Because I’m wondering where they get their camo vests.

If there was one song, or one music video to choose to impress people, I can’t for the life of me figure out why “Impaler” was made into a video. Wait, yes I can: they have a hot keyboard chick (who has no doubt found her way into Revolvers’ “Hottest Chicks In Metal”), a front man with more arm throw moves than Fred Durst, and a mid-song breakdown of the likes that would make most mall-core scenesters shit their undies with helicopter arm tosses and kangaroo kicks.

If it’s all about the “art”, then maybe this video is just a really poor inside joke poking fun at the L.A. “hardcore” scene (I’m looking at you brokeNCYDE). Probably not.

Some of their new material is a bit of a step forward. I’d lump it into a category of say, “Dimmu Borgirs worst B-Sides collection”. Even though this video/song is a year old, some of us out there doing some internet scouring will be left scratching our heads as to why they are on Summer Slaughters’ bill this summer. It’s just a shame there isn’t a second stage at the tour so you can skip them.

I don’t get it

Really, still. Someone please tell me why people listen to this.

Dude, nobody can live up to the cartoonish party “status” that is portrayed at the beginning of this video.

Just understand that they are influencing the minds of dumb teenagers everywhere. Like this one.

Think about the results in 10-15 years.

Skinny jean sales jump 12%

Ithinki’dratherbemakingasandwitch…

I tried very hard to give them a good honest chance. I don’t hear anything in this song or any other new songs that make any sense. It’s literally like listening to a 4 year old beat the shit out of his/her Funrise Lil’ Rockstar guitar. The sense of self irony is killing me. Please stop now.

Idratherbewatchingthisvideoinstead!

Sweet Jesus turn it back to the weather channel quick Padre!

Oceano vs. Lambgoat

“About as useful as a cock-flavored lollipop” – Patches O’Houlihan

Do you have any memories of being bullied in grade school? Did you ever have the guts to stand up to that person? I can say personally that I had to deal with it once or twice in junior high and it felt really good to act tough in return, to find that spark and defend myself and come out on top.

Why then do some people feel it is necessary to do the same over the internet?

Let’s face it, anyone who has ever felt the need to respond to harsh criticism (in person no less) from pointless discussions on message boards is not accomplishing anything. This is a first for me in actually seeing a posted video response to the aforementioned “bullying”.

“You guys suck!”

“Oceano are a bunch of faggots!”

Boo fucking hoo. Can’t metal heads just agree to disagree and move on? Why do people feel the need to tear down others successes?

Anyone with half a brain should understand that the type of person who has nothing better to do but to make themselves sound big and bad on metal discussion boards is a complete waste of space and is serving no purpose, nor adding quality to the site itself. These people are morons, and in my opinion should always be ignored. The comments made against Oceano are baseless, useless, and aren’t worth the effort to set up a camera to record ad-libbed responses.

So why then did the band feel the need to respond with a video? Christ, it’s so awkward to watch! I just don’t get it.

Do something constructive for God’s sake. Go practice, read a book, or call your mom and tell her you love her.

Mastodon

Crack The Skye

I love Mastodon’s music, ever since I picked up Remission after seeing a dude’s t-shirt with the “horsesplosion” art. I’ve dug what they do. But…

I wasn’t excited about this album at all before it came out. Maybe I’d listened to Blood Mountain a little too much, maybe because I hadn’t been listening to nearly as much metal as I had over the last two and a half years, or maybe it was because Brendan O’Brian was involved. Whatever it may have been, this album was hanging out in the “I’ll get to it whenever, its on the list, but its not a priority” zone and it was not moving off it anytime soon.

Then the rumors about the album being about Rasputin and some other shit and the album went onto the “God I hope this doesn’t turn into a Mars Volta thing” list. The only other album on the list is the next Mars Volta album. And that list is well below the list in the above paragraph.

Then the album art came out. All I saw at the time was “Tonight! At the Planetarium! Lazer Metal!” It wasn’t as iconic as the previous records and I wasn’t pleased. I know what I liked, and I liked old Mastodon. I feared the worst. My shrunken penis was conferring with an underused mattress and they feared the worst.
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