Not Metal

The latest and worst in mall rock

Now with more mullet and suck

A big thanks to metalsucks for posting up this garbage and then inspiring me to rant a bit about it. Shit like this really makes for good content on our site seeing as our domain name is the definition of anything as cookie cutter as this band is.

“I’m not real I was never born”
If you can make it to the chorus of the song you’ll get that tasty and inspirational lyric.
Waah mom, I’m so dead to the world. No one cares I’m alive. Blah blah blah.

Do me a favor, if you happen to come across anyone that ever says that Oceana is their favorite band, or that “Oceana rocks!” give them a good viking kick to their dome silo and cut their mullet off as a trophy. Take a high res photo of said mullet trophy and send it to: webmaster@notmetal.net.

And yes, how unfortunate they have a different vowel than the much hyped but much suck deathbreakdown band Oceano. Fuck…

Now clean your ears and eyes out with this.

How could it get any worse?

One man black metal projects are to kvlt as one man emo crunk projects are to piles of poop

One redeeming quality to this video is watching all the teenage ‘thrashers get mowed down by the larger long hair cretins midway through this train wreck of a live performance by the ridiculously monikered “Dropping A Popped Locket” – a one man shit show of emo, crunk, and taped guitar and drum.

The other redeeming quality is turning it off.

Here we go with another “list” of “best” metal records. This one will be interesting, but so far, I’m wondering if their primo list of metal industry insiders weren’t paid to give their #21.

#21 SLIPKNOT – VOL 3: THE SUBLIMINAL VERSES

Whuh? It’s like someone just farted in a schoolroom during a pop quiz. It just got really quiet, and you’re not sure if you should laugh out loud or bite the inside of your cheek really hard.

Seriously though. I never would have expected this to make ANY list. Top 40 shit perhaps in the “hard rock” category, but an underground metal web zine? Shit. Stick that in your twitter-hole and smoke it. I hope the voters had removed the penis from their ears on the other 20 choices they made.

I don’t get it

Really, still. Someone please tell me why people listen to this.

Dude, nobody can live up to the cartoonish party “status” that is portrayed at the beginning of this video.

Just understand that they are influencing the minds of dumb teenagers everywhere. Like this one.

Think about the results in 10-15 years.

What? No battleaxes? No orc skull?

I suppose I’d do it to if the offer was right.

You can give them all the shit in the world for getting their own shoe. You can call them posers, sellouts, whatever. The fact of the matter is: “If you were in a band and had a chance to be immortalized in shoe form, would you do it?” 3 Inches of Blood has done just that.

I think I would honestly. Even though yeah, this is supremely dumb and trendy and not worth the time to even think of seeking out a pair of these hipster-tops. Apparently though, as one commenter on the original post has stated, the Melvins did something similar back in the day. Which I find suspect/don’t want to believe/will live in denial about until the day I die.

No not that “Tool”

Nah, it’s just Satyr.

I was watching some SATYRICON vids and came across something terrible.

This video is metal.

Satyr looks evil and it looks like a metal video.

Now then, I came across this song (which I like a lot) -

It’s got rocking drums and hair flying everywhere until Bono comes out with his stupid glasses and slicked back hair. What the hell? This isn’t metal. It’s a biker trying to be U2.

Now granted their sound has gone away from pure black metal but leave that look to this jerk.

Really?

Yaaaay, no college for you!

Are we all jealous, or do we just think this kid is a total fucking idiot?

“Chance in a lifetime” my ass. Anyone who shells out
20k to do the smorgasbord of extravagant rock star activities on Freeses’ limited edition version is a missing a few brain cells. I have nothing against Freese or the other stars Thomas Mrzyglocki had the fortune to meet, (literally a fortune to some people) but this really is mind boggling. Who really thought someone would pay the above price for one of the packages listed on Freeses’ site a few weeks ago?

Check out the full story here.

Scheißen Sie oh!

Sprechen ze fail?

I wish I never saw this on youtube…

Whatever dickhead came up with the combination of screamo and crunk needs a good kick in the gooch. Here we have two genres intertwining to produce some of the most annoyingly worst sounds on the planet. There is no redeeming value to this. Metalheads can make all the claims they want about how they hate certain genre tags or labels. This is something worse than corporate Nashville. This is something worse than Paris Hiltons’ acting career. This is worse than screamo, emo, and hardcore-chest-pump-jock-rock. This is Brokencyde.

If there is one genre that will get you to question your existence on this planet, these guys would be the poster boys of it. The screamo parts don’t bother me. It’s the hardcore rap tag that these shit-stains have applied to themselves.

1. Pink shirt with “Bitches get stiches” written on it. Check.
2. Flock Of Seagulls haircuts. Check.
3. Random screaming. Check.
4. Autotune. Check.

Nothing about killing cops? Reppin’ your street cred? Rollin’ blunts? No gat?
No, but there is some random “tr00-emo” part around 1:56 through that will make you feel embarrassed for them. So they’ve got that going for them.

“The Soundtrack To Teenage Pregnancy and Fail.” is so hot right now.

I’m still trying to figure out what tree these goons fell from and why they have fans.